Two months ago, I had my first baby. Before she was born, I was convinced I’d never be a stay-at-home mom. In fact, my friends and I have always looked down on women who stayed home with their kids. But since I’ve returned to work full time, I’m totally miserable. All I want is to be with my daughter. My husband would like me to quit my job, too, and though it would be a bit of a stretch for us, we’ve saved enough that we could swing it financially, at least for a few years. But I feel so much pressure to be true to my original idea of myself — I’m just not sure I’d respect myself if I gave up my career. I’m completely confused. Please help.
You’re certainly not alone in your struggle. Countless women feel torn between their family and their career ambitions — between concern for their children and a need for both the money and the opportunity for growth that a job can provide. The challenge is to follow your heart and mind in the face of everyone else’s opinions and advice. Be open to what others think, then figure out what makes sense for you, knowing that if your decision goes against prevailing attitudes in your social circle — or against current trends in society at large — sticking with it may not be easy. It’s tough, for instance, to value nurturing if society values earning power. Or to stay home if your friends and family are pressuring you to keep your job. Or to throw yourself into work if your husband thinks you shouldn’t be there. We women labor under such mixed messages and impossible standards — especially when we become parents — that it’s easy to feel that we’re not getting it right no matter what we do.
Whatever you decide, remember that every day of motherhood will give you the opportunity to revise your assumptions of the day before, to constantly reassess your needs along with the needs of your family. In other words, what works best for you this year may not work next year. As your daughter gets older, you may want to explore the possibility of both you and your husband cutting back on your work schedules to be home more. Or you two may pioneer solutions that aren’t even visible on the horizon yet. After all, if we were all given real choices, most of us — women and men — would want meaningful work and enough time to stay connected to family, friends, and, of course, our kids.